Romance Scams: When Loneliness Makes Us Vulnerable

Scammers leverage an epidemic for evil.

Loneliness is an epidemic. The COVID pandemic made it worse, but it was already on track.

Besides the negative health impacts, there’s a little-discussed yet important side effect: loneliness makes us more vulnerable to being scammed. Scammers are busily at work exploiting this vulnerability — to the tune of $1.3 billion in 2024.

Let’s review how these scams work and how to keep yourself and your loved ones safe.

Romance scams

Romance scams trick lonely people by pretending to care, slowly gaining more and more trust, and then asking for money. Scammers build fake relationships online, never meeting in person. They use guilt, lies, and even AI tools to scam you out of your money. If someone you’ve never met asks for money, stop. Talk to someone you already know and trust first.

It’s a long con

Romance scams are a form of pig butchering: a “long con” (long confidence) game or scam. This means that the scam takes place over weeks, months, or even longer. The scammers use this time to build trust, after which they finally scam the victim, often multiple times. Once the well runs dry, the scammer disappears.

It’s common for romance scams to result in thousands of lost dollars.

It starts by targeting a vulnerable individual looking for connection.

The progression of the scam

These scams have a common sequence.

Initial contact

After creating fake personas and fake online profiles, the scammer reaches out to a target victim. It might be via a supposedly misdirected text message, an email harvested from a public forum or public records, or many other ways. The goal is to engage the person in innocent, innocuous conversation; there’s no hint of malicious intent.

The target may never learn how the scammer found them. It could be targeted, or it could be random.

Depending on how they initially connect, most scammers suggest moving the conversation to somewhere more private — perhaps one of the more secure chat services. This allows them to avoid detection by more public or monitored communication methods.

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Building trust

Over days and weeks, the scammer maintains frequent contact. Eventually, the conversations turn affectionate. Sometimes they employ a technique called “love bombing”, sharing excessive and extreme compliments and declarations of affection.

To deepen the connection, the scammer may also do some homework and pretend to share values, hobbies, and experiences that they’ve discovered apply to their target (whether or not that’s true).

When people are lonely to begin with, these attempts to build trust and a relationship — even without ever having met — are more likely to succeed. They’re more likely to fall for the attention they’re getting and the connection they’re hungry for.

Avoiding meeting

At one point or another, the target is likely to suggest that a real-life meeting occur. Either of two things will happen.

The scammer will respond with a variety of excuses why they can’t meet right now. Perhaps they’re working abroad, in the military, or dealing with other random issues that prevent an in-person meeting.

Or they’ll transition right to the scam and ask or hint at the need for money to help make the meeting happen. They’ll say they’re unable to pay for something required to meet — a passport, a visa, a plane ticket, or even a bribe. More on that below.

Emotional manipulation

What distinguishes romance scams from other scams is the type of influence the scammers choose to exploit. While many scams are based on fear (fake IRS scams, technology misdirection, and so on), romance scams target the heart.

Scammers work to make the relationship as deep as possible. Some even propose marriage. Creating future plans deepens the sense of commitment between the target and the scammer.

And if the target balks anywhere along the way? Then the scammer applies guilt to imply that the target doesn’t care for them as much as they care for the target; otherwise, the target would engage with them more deeply (i.e., give them the money they’re asking for).

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It’s always about money

Asking to meet is an easy way for the scammer to turn to the topic of cash, but there are many other techniques. Almost all involve starting small and scaling up and up and up.

The scammer might ask for money, citing some urgent scenario such as an unexpected medical bill, travel expense, or customs fee. Often, they don’t ask directly; they just explain the need. They count on the target being a generous soul, particularly now that they’re in this trusting, albeit long-distance, relationship. Some targets offer to pay without being asked.

The first request usually isn’t large. If money is sent, the requests become larger and more frequent. Urgency, pressure, and emotional blackmail often escalate along with the amount.

End game

The scammer will not stop until the target does. They’ll continue asking for and extracting more and more money as long as the target supplies it. This can go on for months or even years. Every time the target expresses concern, the scammer applies increasing amounts of emotional blackmail — something lonely people are particularly susceptible to.

Eventually, the target stops sending money (sometimes when they’ve run out of it), and the scammer vanishes, leaving emotional and financial devastation behind.

Red flags

Particularly when we’re vulnerable, and particularly when emotions, time, and effort have been invested, it’s hard to admit that we’ve fallen for something.

Here are some red flags that should always raise concern.

• Moving to private channels.
• Too-quick declarations of affection.
• Never being able to meet — there’s always an excuse.
• Unexpected expenses that start small and ramp up.
• Asking for non-refundable payment methods like gift cards or cryptocurrency.
• Accusations and emotional manipulation if the smallest hint of doubt is expressed.

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Red flags for loved ones

One of the saddest aspects of romance scams is when we see it happening to others, especially family members, before they see it themselves.

Some things to watch for:

• Hearing of a relationship that moves unusually fast, with talk of love or deep commitment within days or weeks of meeting online.
• Being asked to help set up a new communication app, like Signal, WhatsApp, or others, for a loved one.
• Learning that your loved one has never met their paramour in person.
• Discovering that the supposed partner’s online profile and photos look overly polished, or even worse, use stock images1.
• You’re asked to help your loved one send money, gift cards, or cryptocurrency.
• Your loved one becomes reactive or defensive when questioned, or seems secretive or isolated from normal contact.

If you notice several of these signs, try as best you can to discuss your concerns with your loved one and encourage them to pause communication, verify the person’s identity, and seek advice from truly trusted sources.

AI has entered the chat… literally

A relatively new twist in the romance scam is the use of AI. There are several ways AI can make the scams more believable and successful.

• AI provides proper English, or whatever your native language might be. I’m tempted to say “proper enough”, since even native speakers aren’t perfect, and AI can include an appropriate amount of imperfection. This is a huge boon for overseas scammers.
• Voice synthesis. In lieu of a meeting, some scammers invite a phone conversation. With AI, they can convincingly sound like someone they are not.
• Video synthesis. This is not yet common, but I expect it’ll be on the rise. You might be encouraged to connect via a video call, and the person who looks, acts, and speaks perfectly normally might not be real at all.

The bottom line is that you may not be able to believe what you read, what you hear, or what you see.

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