Scammers leverage an epidemic for evil.
Loneliness is an epidemic. The COVID pandemic made it worse, but it was already on track.
Besides the negative health impacts, there’s a little-discussed yet important side effect: loneliness makes us more vulnerable to being scammed. Scammers are busily at work exploiting this vulnerability — to the tune of $1.3 billion in 2024.
Let’s review how these scams work and how to keep yourself and your loved ones safe.
Romance scams
Romance scams trick lonely people by pretending to care, slowly gaining more and more trust, and then asking for money. Scammers build fake relationships online, never meeting in person. They use guilt, lies, and even AI tools to scam you out of your money. If someone you’ve never met asks for money, stop. Talk to someone you already know and trust first.
It’s a long con
Romance scams are a form of pig butchering: a “long con” (long confidence) game or scam. This means that the scam takes place over weeks, months, or even longer. The scammers use this time to build trust, after which they finally scam the victim, often multiple times. Once the well runs dry, the scammer disappears.
It’s common for romance scams to result in thousands of lost dollars.
It starts by targeting a vulnerable individual looking for connection.
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The progression of the scam
These scams have a common sequence.
Initial contact
After creating fake personas and fake online profiles, the scammer reaches out to a target victim. It might be via a supposedly misdirected text message, an email harvested from a public forum or public records, or many other ways. The goal is to engage the person in innocent, innocuous conversation; there’s no hint of malicious intent.
The target may never learn how the scammer found them. It could be targeted, or it could be random.
Depending on how they initially connect, most scammers suggest moving the conversation to somewhere more private — perhaps one of the more secure chat services. This allows them to avoid detection by more public or monitored communication methods.
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Building trust
Over days and weeks, the scammer maintains frequent contact. Eventually, the conversations turn affectionate. Sometimes they employ a technique called “love bombing”, sharing excessive and extreme compliments and declarations of affection.
To deepen the connection, the scammer may also do some homework and pretend to share values, hobbies, and experiences that they’ve discovered apply to their target (whether or not that’s true).
When people are lonely to begin with, these attempts to build trust and a relationship — even without ever having met — are more likely to succeed. They’re more likely to fall for the attention they’re getting and the connection they’re hungry for.
Avoiding meeting
At one point or another, the target is likely to suggest that a real-life meeting occur. Either of two things will happen.
The scammer will respond with a variety of excuses why they can’t meet right now. Perhaps they’re working abroad, in the military, or dealing with other random issues that prevent an in-person meeting.
Or they’ll transition right to the scam and ask or hint at the need for money to help make the meeting happen. They’ll say they’re unable to pay for something required to meet — a passport, a visa, a plane ticket, or even a bribe. More on that below.
Emotional manipulation
What distinguishes romance scams from other scams is the type of influence the scammers choose to exploit. While many scams are based on fear (fake IRS scams, technology misdirection, and so on), romance scams target the heart.
Scammers work to make the relationship as deep as possible. Some even propose marriage. Creating future plans deepens the sense of commitment between the target and the scammer.
And if the target balks anywhere along the way? Then the scammer applies guilt to imply that the target doesn’t care for them as much as they care for the target; otherwise, the target would engage with them more deeply (i.e., give them the money they’re asking for).
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It’s always about money
Asking to meet is an easy way for the scammer to turn to the topic of cash, but there are many other techniques. Almost all involve starting small and scaling up and up and up.
The scammer might ask for money, citing some urgent scenario such as an unexpected medical bill, travel expense, or customs fee. Often, they don’t ask directly; they just explain the need. They count on the target being a generous soul, particularly now that they’re in this trusting, albeit long-distance, relationship. Some targets offer to pay without being asked.
The first request usually isn’t large. If money is sent, the requests become larger and more frequent. Urgency, pressure, and emotional blackmail often escalate along with the amount.
End game
The scammer will not stop until the target does. They’ll continue asking for and extracting more and more money as long as the target supplies it. This can go on for months or even years. Every time the target expresses concern, the scammer applies increasing amounts of emotional blackmail — something lonely people are particularly susceptible to.
Eventually, the target stops sending money (sometimes when they’ve run out of it), and the scammer vanishes, leaving emotional and financial devastation behind.
Red flags
Particularly when we’re vulnerable, and particularly when emotions, time, and effort have been invested, it’s hard to admit that we’ve fallen for something.
Here are some red flags that should always raise concern.
- Moving to private channels.
- Too-quick declarations of affection.
- Never being able to meet — there’s always an excuse.
- Unexpected expenses that start small and ramp up.
- Asking for non-refundable payment methods like gift cards or cryptocurrency.
- Accusations and emotional manipulation if the smallest hint of doubt is expressed.
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Red flags for loved ones
One of the saddest aspects of romance scams is when we see it happening to others, especially family members, before they see it themselves.
Some things to watch for:
- Hearing of a relationship that moves unusually fast, with talk of love or deep commitment within days or weeks of meeting online.
- Being asked to help set up a new communication app, like Signal, WhatsApp, or others, for a loved one.
- Learning that your loved one has never met their paramour in person.
- Discovering that the supposed partner’s online profile and photos look overly polished, or even worse, use stock images1.
- You’re asked to help your loved one send money, gift cards, or cryptocurrency.
- Your loved one becomes reactive or defensive when questioned, or seems secretive or isolated from normal contact.
If you notice several of these signs, try as best you can to discuss your concerns with your loved one and encourage them to pause communication, verify the person’s identity, and seek advice from truly trusted sources.
AI has entered the chat… literally
A relatively new twist in the romance scam is the use of AI. There are several ways AI can make the scams more believable and successful.
- AI provides proper English, or whatever your native language might be. I’m tempted to say “proper enough”, since even native speakers aren’t perfect, and AI can include an appropriate amount of imperfection. This is a huge boon for overseas scammers.
- Voice synthesis. In lieu of a meeting, some scammers invite a phone conversation. With AI, they can convincingly sound like someone they are not.
- Video synthesis. This is not yet common, but I expect it’ll be on the rise. You might be encouraged to connect via a video call, and the person who looks, acts, and speaks perfectly normally might not be real at all.
The bottom line is that you may not be able to believe what you read, what you hear, or what you see.
Do this
Always be extremely cautious when giving money to someone you’ve never met. If that breaks up a potential romance, then it was never meant to be anyway, real or fake.
And if you have been scammed, reach out for help. I know it’s tempting to hide in shame, but there’s absolutely no need. These scammers are good at what they do, and you’re most certainly not alone. Get support from friends, family, or organizations like AARP (their Fraud Watch is an excellent resource). Not only will you get assistance, but you’ll help others learn and avoid similar scams in the future.
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Footnotes & References
1: It happens. Reverse image search is an excellent tool to try.
I would imagine that with the ubiquity of AI, that stock photos are becoming less common.
Facebook is notorious for that. I get tagged comments from beatiful “women” saying how they like my comments or my profile. When I go to their profile to report them to Facebook as a scam, they usually only have one or two posts which are usually photos of themselves. Unfortunately, when I report them to Facebook, I usually get the response that their account doesn’t violate Facebook’s terms. Now I just untag myself and hide the comment. Facebook is the buggiest website on the planet.
“buggy” implies that it’s an error. Perhaps I’ve become too cynical, but I believe it’s all by design. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature. Engagement is the metric they optimize for, not not truth or honesty.
Unfortunately, I agree with that sentiment. I’ve said the same thing in other posts. The longer I’m digging for that comment they told me I’m tagged in the longer i’m wasting time on their website. If I could get all my friends and contacts on anothe social media site, I’d switch in an heartbeat. When facebook let you see the email addresses of your contacts, I added all my friends to my email addressbook. Unfortunately, they stopped that. Again they did this more for engagement than privacy as you could opt out of displaying your email address so it wasn’t for privacy.